My Only Prayer: Make It Stop

My life is currently just one consistent string of awfulness.

As I finally got alone to talk to God tonight, the only thing that kept coming to mind was "make it stop."

Self-pity, self-indignation, self-loathing; call it what you want, it's where I am and I can't see a way through, much less out.

I don't know what I hope to achieve in posting this, but I have to do something. Maybe God will scroll and find it here, because it doesn't seem he is getting my messages otherwise.

2 years. Really more like 10, but we'll start here I guess.

2 years of anguish like I've never experienced in my life, which is saying a lot having survived a tornado, bankruptcy, divorce, and the deaths of both of my parents by age 40. But these last two years? Icing on top of a turd cake that is about drown me and everything with it.

Thrust into a situation I neither chose nor instigated, I now sit among the ruins begging God to make it stop, to turn the tides, to break through.

Nonstop sickness has plagued me or my family for months. Weather events keep popping up out of nowhere, constantly. The 2025 barrage of democratic meltdown and weaponized fascism is merely a blip on my radar as I try to navigate a life I didn't want, and forgive me for saying it, don't deserve.

I have no vices; I don't cheat, gamble, or steal. I don't smoke or vape or drink or do drugs. I'm kind, upbeat, and anyone who sticks around long enough knows I belong to God.

And while I know those things alone aren't going to solve any problems or prevent bad things from happening, I am questioning whether they're worth maintaining because I can guarantee the people doing those things are having a hell of a lot more fun in life than I am.

I drove the kids to the lake the other day, to see the recently-crested high water from a freshly historic weather event. It always resets me, refreshing a little bit of hope that lingers inside. But as I drove home, I remembered the last time - probably late last summer - that I drove that same path thinking "the next time I'm here, it will be different. Better. Worked-out. Solid."

My heart sank as I can fervently say that's not true as I watched the familiar turns in the road.

It isn't better.

This has happened on other occasions too, where I can remember similar sentiments I've thought, but then never see them come to pass.

It's not like I've sat around waiting, twiddling my thumbs hoping something swings in my favor. I've hustled and ground. I've begged for direction and guidance on what to do next, where to look, who to ask. I've stood still and strong, waiting for Him to move on my behalf.

For nothing.

I've also tried to make peace with this angst, this longing for better, this stretching for solid footing. Kind of an 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. That hasn't succeeded either because the heart still knows what the brain can only minimize.

The worst part is that I'm my worst self because of all this. The worst mother, the worst friend, the worst version of me despite my sincerest efforts. Again, the heart knows and can only hide so much. Pain only wears a mask for so long.

I keep thinking about last week's horrific weather. It rained so much that my backyard would flood to the point of nearly the point of the HVAC unit to begin taking on water. But it never did. The water would rise juuuuust to the edge of the unit and then recede. I bet over the course of several days, this happened 4 or 5 times. And every time, the rain would slow or the pump system would kick in faster and it never reached inside where it could short-out (and ruin) the whole thing. It never did.

I knew by about the third time of watching this happen that God was teaching me something - I couldn't deny it.

All this that threatens every day to take me under hasn't.

And it won't.

While I can't wholeheartedly believe that, I am going to throw that lesson back at God and say "fine, you say it won't win, then prove it" and go to bed. Because all of the above is threatening to take this ship down.

God knows I'm maxed out. And the threatening 'rain' that fell today was not necessary - it was another attack to see if I'd believe the water would actually recede.

I'll report back.

Hopefully with a very dry HVAC system.